i have a dream

How much do you know about yourself if you’ve never been idle for too long? Well, that’s my take on the fight club dialogue “how much do you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight”. Let’s start drawing parallels here shall we?

We live in a society where being something is everything, but anyone who is not a someone is no one, judging by social paradigms. October 16^th, 2009 was my last working day in an IT company. IT Company!!!! Sounds fancy to those who don’t know anything about it, while anybody who has ever worked in one, has got his own story to tell about how miserable his life is, unless anyone of the following does not happen

1. He/She finds true love (or so they think!).
2. He/She has a mentor to save their ass every time.
3. He/She has absolutely no interest in career progression, and just judges how the day is going to be, based on the lunch menu. If it’s Chinese – Super cool, if its idli – this company sucks!
4. He/She gets chance to go onsite.
5. ‘He’ gets a chance to drop ‘her’ home every night due to late project timings.

Any further suggestions are welcome.

Well enough of ranting about workings of IT companies, and to tell you the truth I couldn’t really fit myself into any of the above mentioned categories, hence I became what is commonly known as ‘frusty’. I tried living like ‘aam aadmi’, taking a reasonable package home for sitting there and playing games, and facebooking. I do not mean to sound bigheaded, but that seriously did not challenge my intellect enough. I had not spent 120+ sleepless nights during my engineering to be doing this. I decided to quit my job, and come home to Delhi to prepare for MBA admission tests.

It can be surely said that the rosy feeling of being at home soon gave way to a feeling of emptiness and helplessness. Being at home used to be comfortable as long as it was for a certain period of time. This ‘tends to infinity’ feeling of time at home really took its toll on me. Perspective of people towards me and vice versa changed immensely after I was unemployed. School friends, college friends, office friends, and what not friends; you name them and I can tell you how quickly everyone became weird, maybe not directly, but oh yes; actions still speak louder than words.

My laptop soon became my best friend, and stays in that capacity till present. Acoustic guitar comes a close second. Learned so much more about life in this time, than during any other period of life. I suddenly didn’t find self motivating lines like “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing” funny anymore and understood the meaning behind each and every one. Understood that some people had been taking me for a ride all along. I agree that I did at times feel like getting a taste of my own medicine. Understood the importance of family. My sister became my biggest source of inspiration. All the fights gave way to a better understanding of each other’s perspective on things. I must admit that I sometimes do feel shallow about not having too many friends in my life, but I’d rather walk alone than having my back stabbed around the next street corner. Felt stupid about having thought that people never change and ‘bachpan ke dost’ will still be the same forever. Figured out that I’d rather enjoy a ‘desi pauaa’ with someone I can gel with more than having an overpriced pint at an overpriced fancy place with someone I don’t really give a fuck about. A special mention has to go to a guy named Gautam. Yes this was the guy who never let me down, and somehow I get a funny feeling he never will. Didn’t really hang out with him all that much before this time, but at least I have figured out he doesn’t change colors with seasons, and maybe that I was the one, who was weird with him before.

The MBA tests passed and I thought that I’d done reasonably well. Gave it my absolute fucking everything. Got calls from ‘baap’ colleges. First one, well I thought the interview had ended before I entered the room. Maybe just 2 years of experience and speaking the truth were unforgivable crimes, or maybe I just appeared stupid to the interview panel. Didn’t clear this one. Between the 1^st and the 2^nd interview, the unthinkable happened, I got dumped. What was her reason and motivation behind it, I may never know, but I wasted 2 weeks of precious preparation time crying and sulking. Still managed to put up a decent effort at the 2^nd one, but fell short of expectations of the admissions committee. I was completely broken and shattered at this point of time; those feelings of emptiness and helplessness crumbled my confidence like paper balls. Story of rejects spread, and some ‘taanas’ like “job he join kar le dobaara”, “don’t you think you are trying to reach somewhere which is beyond your capability?”, but who was to tell these people, “I have a dream”. I am not the biggest fan of my father, but you have to give the man credit, that he never lost his faith in me. Even at certain points of time, when my mother also started doubting my credentials, my dad would always go like “kar lena hai isne, tu dekhiyo” to ma. To cut a long story short, I converted the next 2 calls, and one of them is my dream college. I always thought that I’d scream out loud if I managed to convert any one of the calls , update my facebook status to “woohoo , fuck you hairy girl from class XI and midget girl from class XII , now I will be the one who is going to pretend to not know you”. I don’t mean to sound like a sex starved baba of some ashram, but I feel that humility in face of triumph is the greatest strength one can ever imagine to achieve and hence I did not perform the aforementioned hideous act of stupidity. Maybe now I should start partying hard every night (with my laptop and acoustic guitar), but Im just too emotionally drained after what I’ve gone through during the last 6 months. I just want to sleep now. I want to live my dream now. Peace!